2019 has been a roller coaster ride. So many unexpected things have happened that I still to this day don’t understand why. At the beginning of this year, I started off at a job that wasn’t in my field of interest and literally stressed me out and made me so exhausted that all I could do after clocking out was go home, relax, and let sleep overtake me. It was so bad that the only thing I looked forward to each day was going to bed to escape the harsh reality. Although I was grateful to have a job at first, I quickly found myself resenting it.
So, for eight months I dealt with that job on top of discovering that I wouldn’t get into school like I had hoped and getting my heart broken by a guy who I thought really cared about me—foolish, naïve me. Then add to the fact that the people I once talked to no longer kept in contact with me, and everyone around me was moving forward in their lives. I felt stuck, stagnant, and far from God. I felt like despite my prayers, hopes, and detailed thinking I still made mistakes and was basically a failure. In my mind, I was truly alone and believed that maybe God was giving up on me because of where I was in life: stuck at a low-paying job that continually destroyed me emotionally, not in a graduate program, friendless, hating myself, and single.
It got so bad that a couple times on my way home from an appointment or an event alone I would glance toward a thicket of trees with my hands gripping the steering wheel. My heart raced and tears stung my eyes because the negative parts of my reality kept replaying in my mind that all equated to the idea that I was a failure. Then the scene played out in my head: cutting the wheel sharply to the right, forcing the car off the road right into the stationary trees, and ending my consciousness…I had hit rock bottom emotionally and physically (overeating, sleeping most of the day away when I could, secluding myself to my room and not talking to anyone), but I wouldn’t do it because I’d glance in my rearview mirror and see someone behind me; and I didn’t want anyone else to be hurt, just me.
Two days before my birthday I went up to the altar for prayer, and I felt the negativity bubbling within me leave. God is a mind regulator. Of course, my circumstances didn’t change in an instant, but I left with a sense of peace and assuredness that things would be better—they had to be. However, I must stop for a moment and express my thanks to God for keeping me even when I thought He didn’t care.
On the other hand, God did bless me with an accomplishment and fulfilment of a dream that I had had when I was a child: to be a published author. The indescribable feeling I got when opening the package and holding a paperback copy of my work in my hands was so amazing. Designing a book cover and going over my typed words with my editor was so exciting. Although the whole process had been daunting at times, the completed product and the support that followed made it all worth it. To top it off, I had the coolest opportunity to put together a book signing and speak in front of a crowd (something that’s normally not my forte) about my book. God is awesome, and my hope is that people look pass my writing and me and see Him.
As this year comes to an end, it’s the time to reflect on all that’s happened. These paragraphs only detail pieces of this crazy year for me. Through it all, I learned that I could withstand a lot more than I thought, but I also discovered my breaking point. I learned that you can’t trust everyone, that snakes exist in the least likely places, that I need to share rather than suppress my emotions and thoughts, and God is a keeper. While there were a lot of downfalls, I still am grateful to God for them and the good, including publication of my first book, my first book signing, good health and strength, a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes on my back, and a loving family. There’s so much I do not understand about this year, but I pray for blessings upon blessings in the new year. God is still good and worthy of all the glory, honor, and praise.
Andréa Hardaway 